Wednesday, 12 July 2017

A time called now.

This does feel weird, but it feels right.
Having been away from blogging for what felt a lifetime, I want to reflect on everything blogging is to me in a time called now.
 Fashion, creativity, beauty, music, life, simply expression!

Fashion is my biggest love in life and developing my personal style is something that fills me with so much excitement. With life recently being (to put it brutally) shit, I fell in a crisis of wearing comfortable clothes and not really evolving my style. My confidence has been knocked throughout this process and its all baby steps to get on top of it again. So in a time called now I enjoy subtly experimenting but not making the huge statements I would've once happily done. 
Jeans are still a rarity to see me in! I decided pairing these Primark ones with a vintage mesh tee and my customised patch jacket was a comfortable and complimentary look. This look focused all around the mesh and intricate details, creating something of interest without it being overpowering. 
A happy medium I seem to like trying out!

Creativity is something I used to explore through photography, textiles, art, dance, you name it I loved it. I still do. In this time called now I want to start branching back into the things that brought me the most joy. Looking at the world through a creative lens used to inspire me daily, you just have to think about things differently.

My interest in beauty still lies in the classic Lucy Jane look of short hair,  full fringe and the classic winged liner eye. In this time called now I should push myself to experiment with colour and concepts. I adore watching and learning new make up skills but forget to actually use them on myself! It's so exciting how the beauty game is changing, an endless supply of products for an endless amount of creations.
 It's all about trying new things.

Music was the key to my heart and still always will be. The past few months got me into a music rut, I was switching between every genre of music and indecisive on what I really wanted to listen to. I wasn't giving anything the attention I needed to in order to actually enjoy it. I played old albums, tried to attach myself to new ones but nothing felt fulfilling. 
In this time called now I am making time to discover the music that really gets me. The variety of music we have access to is amazing but when you think about it all, its a rather daunting amount. Sure I can say I enjoy a large range of music but I can't connect to it all. 

Life is a huge bitch but theres no point dwelling on it! 2017 has felt like a huge spiralling rollercoaster constantly going up and down with the end feeling so far away from reach. In this time called now I hope that life will become steadier and things will start to look up.
 I have the most amazing people around me, have the chance to visit amazing places and do amazing things but I have an illness which has made me question everything. I'm here for the long term (hopefully) in life, I have to realise that the few sacrifices I have to make now are going to be so small in the large scheme of things. 
Life has felt like a massive bitch when really it couldn't be changed.

Lucy Jane



Sunday, 9 July 2017

My July Mind

I don't really know where to begin or what to say.
I've sat and thought about what to write for days and everything just feels so lacking. 
How can I write what thoughts are swirling around my mind when the truth is I don't really know for myself?

Let's call this post July Mind, sounds fitting enough...

Sitting here at home, in my cozily beautiful shed, I feel lost. 
I know where I am but I have no idea where I have gone.
These past few months I envisage as a huge blur, like a rogue paint stroke upon a canvas with no intention of being or going, abstract I suppose.
I slowly fell away from myself and the worst part is, I knew I was.

Everything felt like an effort, everything felt unrewarding, everything felt like it would crumble and I coped by ignoring, everything. I ignored the things I used to do, the way I used to be and slowly masked the passionate, adventurous and intellectual Lucy Jane with someone I didn't know.
My excuse was 'I am ill' and truthfully, I am.


My illness is the disease Ulcerative Colitis, I was diagnosed in March and it has severely progressed in recent weeks. For now I want to skip over the technicalities as I want to start posts about my journey soon but I will say this much; it drained me, made normal daily life the biggest struggle and effected me so much more than just having a diseased bowel! 
When you're ill, life feels like a cycle and eventually, the cycle needs to be broken.

This was my cycle...

1. I became de-motivated, unenthusiastic about 99% of things in life. I'd fall into slumps previously but I started to struggle to get out, I couldn't understand why I was so effortless because thats not like me. I was questioning why my lack of energy was declining so rapidly, I wanted to do things but there was 0 drive to push me.

2. I got diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, accepted my illness and started treatment. Throughout these few weeks in April I felt happy, we knew the problem, there was a reason I had become so lacking and I was certain this disease would soon be maintained. 

3. I pretended. I knew my symptoms weren't improving but I felt like they should be. I was conscious  as to everything with my health spiralling downwards but I wanted to carry on as normal. I wanted to go to college, sit my exams and have the summer I'd dreamed of. I was trying different medications, going to constant doctors appointments and feeling awful. My treatment was showing no obvious differences so I had no idea at what stage my disease was at, I kept on going.
Through May and June I braved it and pretended, the world had bigger issues and I thought ignoring mine could me make me better when instead it made me worse. 

4. So this is now, today, this present moment.
I was urgently admitted to hospital last week as my disease had reached a severe stage of Ulcerative Colitis. I stayed in for 4 days on infusion drips of steroids and anti-biotics. My body had been unresponsive to all treatment used since March which is why the disease had spread so violently. My body was 'on fire' as the nurses politely described, a fire that had been building and building since February.
I finally reached the point where I realised 'Oh shit, I am actually ill'.
Laying in a hospital bed there really is no way of pretending that 'you're fine' because the whole world can see that you need help. 

I break the cycle here and say lets make it stop.  

My life has to be put on hold for now, effecting summer plans, University plans and the big, scary future plans. I am ill and I need to get better before I embark on the life healthy Lucy Jane imagined she would have now.  I am trying to accept the process, the disease and everything that is going to come with it because I did too much pretending before. 

I think that my July Mind feels lost because it is at the beginning of a journey I never really planned. I don't feel like myself because I didn't accept myself for being 'ill', my mind couldn't fathom it. 
I need to create, connect and be more than I was because I was feeling nothing, numb.
When you ignore someone for so long, they eventually forget about you and live an independent life yet a spark will always remember what you once had, think if that happened through ignoring yourself. 
My spark feels like its bouncing back and I am shining out through it, I really really hope I am right.

Lucy Jane